I have been thinking about you a lot this week.
I have been wondering how your week is going and what you are thinking about and how that pesky “To Do” list of yours is going. (You know, the one you make every single week and judge your worthiness by?)
I also wonder how you are grading yourself as you go along doing all the things for all the people.
-Is it enough?
-Am I doing enough?
-Am I enough?
How are you answering those fun quiz questions?
Sometimes I find myself asking myself these very questions and wondering how I am measuring up. That “wondering” often takes the express train straight to Worry Town.
If you have a sec, I’ll give you a sneak peek into that ride. (Think of that creepy scene in the old Willy Wonka movie when they board those little boats and journey through that weird psychedelic tunnel…pretty sure it still haunts me a bit.)
My worry is grey, and it buzzes around in my chest, like that static from an old T.V. Sometimes it feels like that sensation you feel in your stomach when you have the suspicion that you might actually puke.
Worry seems to come in waves…and I hate it. So much.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t get away from it, and yet I know it isn’t useful.
((Mean girl narrative enters here: “Wow, you know you aren’t actually doing anything worthwhile?? Why can’t you just figure this out? You will never change.”))
When I worry, I exhaust myself to try to come up with all the ways that I should have already done something or about the 17 ways I should consider doing something today so I can “fix” whatever I think needs to be fixed.
Here’s the shiny kicker though: I am generally worried about other people and I often forget about their ability to make their own choices. I forget that I am not in control.
Alas, I am left to that dark, grey space where I blame myself and then look to blame anyone or anything that is close by.
Guess what? It doesn’t have to be that way.
Imagine assuming the following answers were absolute truth…
Is it enough? YES
Am I doing enough? YES
Am I enough? SO MUCH YES
See, this is the space where I feel a shift. I feel connected to the most gentle and knowing version of myself that I forget about all too often.
When I believe that I am already enough, I feel connected to God and I feel open. If this feeling of -enough-ness- had a color, it would be the most scrumptious and calming hue of pastel pink. Soft and soothing.
When I am in this state, I feel calm and unstoppable. I am never mean to myself here in this space.
Here are some questions that I practice asking myself when I get into that web of sticky worry that bring me back to the soft soothing place:
What if this is supposed to be happening?
If there is nothing to fix, how do I want to experience this?
What if while I am worrying, God is actually working?
Powerful questions to allow you to see exactly where that beautiful and soothing power of yours is. Xoxo
Let’s find the place where you stop having daily “beat myself up, add heaps of judgment, with a juicy twist of shame” sessions because you think you are doing it all wrong.
Let’s get back to the place where you believe in yourself and your motherhood.